Occasionally I write things that for whatever reason, don’t get posted at the time they are written, either because it’s to painful, or unfinished, or makes no sense. This is one of those posts- sitting in drafts for 7 months, I was finally able to post it.
July 11 2007
My big brother, J called. It was 6:30 in the morning and he left a message. Nothing spectacular, I think he was drunk. It’s been two years since we’ve spoken, since I moved to England. It was odd hearing his voice again. My brother has a very distinctive voice, or at least I’ve always thought so. The rest of my family pretty much sounds the same, but he’s always sounded different.
I left him a snotty message later. I had found his early morning drunken ramblings amusing at first, but then I just felt angry. After two years of nothing, when our last conversation had been one of the most horrible conversations of my life (and believe me I’ve had some shitty conversations) he calls me up early in the morning and leaves a drunken message. Like none of it mattered. Like it had never happened.
Later I just felt sad. I remembered watching MTV with my big brother way way back, when he got home from school, helping him crimp his hair, and that picture of me holding up a wood sign he made,engraved with the word “Metallica”. I couldn’t have been more than six. (this would have been late eighties, by the way)
I always looked up to my brother. He was SO cool. He still is. Part of me aches to be a family again. To have my big brother back. But, he pushed me away a long time ago, and I have spent to much time trying to close the gap that was left. I have my own life now, my own family, and I just don’t have any room left for the pain and dissapointment that reaching out always brings.
I miss him though, I hope he’s happy. I hope next time he phones, it’s because he truly wants to talk.