Very Special-not special enough.

Well, I am so glad it is the start of a new week and a new month. February did not treat me well. The last week in particular was extremely difficult and saw me in tears repeatedly. Friday was thus far, the worst day of 2008, with the morning going smoothly and the afternoon like being hit with a truckload of bricks.

Today was a busy Saturday. There were swimming lessons to be had, new shoes, a haircut that wasn’t to be, new school gear, traffic, waiting, etc.  Saturday was also- moving on from Friday, and that was hard. When we finally got home at half past two I put the baby down for a nap and collapsed onto the couch to rest and catch up with Lost.  (I never truly understood the meaning of “escapism TV” until now- god did I need to escape).  The kids were in and out, they had gone to the shop for me and were now creeping around and whispering, and given the sleeping baby I was getting irritated. Finally I shouted to them “You’ve been outside 5 SECONDS- WHY are you back in?” My son was hurt by this and said they were just doing something, and when I demanded to know WHAT- they showed me.  Two bunches of daffodils picked on the way back from the shop, two handmade cards, and one wonderful song they had practiced and perfected. “Happy Mothers Day to you, Happy Mothers Day to you” they sang. A poem from my son that read “Roses are red, Violets are blue, go to bed, because I said”  My daughter had created “Roses are red, violets are blue, you’re the best mom, I love you.”

Previously I would have been in tears, all the negativity of a bad week washed away. This time it wasn’t enough though. I am so worn down, so tired, so…unhopeful. And feeling so special, so loved, so LUCKY to have them, just makes me feel worse. I am not the best mom. I am acutely aware of that. They deserve so much better.

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