I was thinking, in the shower, while I washed my hair and then shaved my armpits. Replaying recent events and conversations, trying to think of solutions to problems. And then it hit me. It’s not the first time it’s ever happened, but from this angle was new.
“What if I can’t do this? What if I can’t last another day?” And I stopped for a moment and had that thought. I didn’t explore it further, but I had the full and complete conscious thought as opposed to just a sudden, fleeting feeling of powerlessness and fear.
Theres nothing to it, of course. I can last another day- I’ve been lasting another day for 26 years. Quitting my job, uprooting my family and fleeing to the South of France is unfortunately not an option, currently.
I will last for many many more days. Sometimes, though I wish I didn’t have to. The thought of simply sitting down and saying “No more, no more” is compelling, the easy option.
Thankfully, I’ve got a TON of chocolate on hand to see me through.