everything but.

Keeping positive.

  • it’s a beautiful day. Sunny, warm,breezy.
  • I’ve lost over 10 lbs.
  • We’ve still got a roof over our heads, and money coming in.

I’m trying to keep the other things at bay. £700 water bill, £170 court fine, £500 back council tax, £1300 house deposit, packing, arguing with David, Devon’s ever present attitude, and then the “how did this happen?” A few months ago things were ok. David made a small bundle selling a picture to the nationals, we started the debt management plan and felt positive about it, I felt like were starting to move forward again.

So, I try not to think about it, any of it, unless I have to.  I make phone calls, and set up payment arrangements and ask questions and then I leave it. I move on. I think I am in a place I have never been in all my life.  I can’t really describe it. I just feel that one more tear, one more angry word, one more blow will just tear me apart.

I’ve been sad before, I’ve struggled with depression most of my life, but this…this is so dark. This is so oppressive. I know I can’t crawl into bed and hide from it, but it’s what I want to- desperatley. 

So, I try and not think about it. I think about the party the kids will have in September, once we’ve moved into the new house, and school has started.  I think about starting school in October, and how excited I am. (But not about how we are going to pay for it. Definetly not.) I think about packing. Not what it means, not all that goes with it, just putting things in boxes, arranging them, labelling them, updating the spreadsheet.

I want to wake up one morning, and things will be better. I just need to get there. I have to get there. It’s not an option not to get there. So, we will. We will. We will get there.

I’ve been saying that for a long time, it seems.

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