For the last few weeks there has been a bit of an argument raging in our house. On one side is my argument, and it has lots of pro’s. My husband says “Ok, great but …” and he reminds of the one little con. But it’s not so little, it is huge, and has the potential to wipe all my little “pro’s” right off the map. So what do I do?
I am in turmoil and I fight myself constantly. What is right? What is smart? What is weak? What is strong? What is best for my family? And yes, even -What is best for myself?, sometimes. I cry to myself and to him and I yell, at him mostly. I beg for clarity, in my head. I regret decisions and I hate myself.
I decide on my course of action, but my husband does not applaud. I know he does not think it is right. So, I backtrack, tear myself down for being selfish and naieve. But, then I am confused again. There is a problem here, and I am trying to solve it. I only know one way of solving it- but that is not the right way. So what do I do? What can I do?
Sometimes I even want to pray– but to whom?
I feel lost, I feel alone.
I feel as inadequate, as useless as I ever have felt.