uncertainty and fear

So for the last month or so I have been making the decision to quit my FT job, get a PT job and stay home during the day with the baby and to study.This has been an excruciatingly difficult decision to make.

Today was the day to hand in my 6 week notice and I had written it and emailed it to myself at work and I was all ready and… and… I can’t do it. We’ve just gone into recession, people are losing their jobs left and right, only a lunatic would quit their job at a time like this, with no safety net.  I think what really drove that home was when I applied the other day for a different FT job, as a baker with a local grocery store. The hours were early morning, leaving the majority of my day free to be with baby/kids and study, and still letting me get enough sleep at night. I love to bake and the job was near home, so it would have been perfect. The job description said only “scratch experience” was required. So I went for it, but failed the questionnaire at the end of the application. It is unlikely that anyone without experience working in a commercial baking position would have been able to answer the questions correctly, so perhaps the whole thing was a bit unfair, but nonetheless.  And it scared me. What if it happens again? What if over the course of my 6 week notice period I apply for job after job and get nothing but rejections? What if the 1st of January comes and I don’t have that PT job?

I can’t really afford to take that chance, even if me being home is the best thing for my family- we still have to eat. We still have to pay the bills.

We have decided to make some big changes at home and revisit things in a few months. This is the most responsible course of action but I’m not happy. This job is incredibly stressful and demanding, it takes me away from home over 10 hours a day and I always get home in a foul mood.  I can’t be a good mother, or a good wife.  I get home at night and want nothing more than to crawl into bed.  I feel like some hollowed out husk.  My weekends are spent dreading Monday, and I’m to busy either A. dreading Monday or B. desperatley trying to get all the cleaning and laundry and cooking done, plus study, plus do something with the children to be a good mother or even do anything for myself or my marriage.

Maybe the changes we make at home will help with that, but I can’t help but feel that I’ve just increased my prison sentence, and that I won’t be able to be happy or be myself again and my family won’t be happy and things won’t get better until I have finally freed myself from this job.

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3 responses to this post.

  1. Oh, I know how hard it is to feel trapped in a job, but good for you for making this difficult decision. Keep your eyes on that date in a few months’ time when you can revisit it and perhaps change your plans. This won’t last forever (though I know it probably feels like it will!). Well done you.

    Reply

  2. I’m sorry that the baker job didn’t pan out (ha!) but keep looking and I’m sure something else will come up. You can’t stay in that miserable job forever but until something better is on offer, you’re doing the right thing to stay put for now.

    Reply

  3. Posted by ering1 on November 18, 2008 at 11:02 am

    Thanks for the positive comments. I don’t think it is the right thing- my family, and me, are really suffering. It’s just not fair on them.

    But, there really isn’t much of a choice at the moment.

    Hopefully things will start looking up soon, we’ve got a few projects on the go,and perhaps something will pop up, just when it’s needed the most.

    We’ll see.

    Reply

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