Conversation with self:
” I need him. I’ll call him.”
“No, you have to be strong. You need space to focus on you and your kids and he needs space to focus on him and on repairing the damage he’s caused.”
“I don’t want to be strong. I’m scared.
I need him or at least the option of him. Maybe I over reacted- let my emotions control me, like mom says. Maybe…I should’ve just let it go.”
“No, that wouldn’t be right.
“But, look what’s happened! Look at the mess.”
“You can’t call him. After the initial relief there will only be pain and more difficult conversation. It will not fix things. You need space- no matter how much it hurts.”
Cleaning the kitchen. It is a mess and a social worker and a detective will be here tomorrow to question the kids. I like the scrubbing. For the most part it keeps my mind distracted. Every so often though, I look up and see my reflection in the window and it throws me. Is that really me? How did that happen? I’m not even 30 and I’m already old. I need my husband. How can I get through this by myself? I need his cuddles,his strong arms, his big hairy chest to bury my face in.
I need him. Why has he done this horrible thing? How did I miss it? Is he a different man than I thought- or is he a victim of a bad decision come back to haunt him?
I wish I could make it all go away. But I can’t. So I wish I could just talk to him, but I can’t. So, I just hope he is ok. I hope somehow we can fix this and get past it. But it is to late for that now. So, I just wish for the strength to hold on.