03. March 2010

Painting- With my music in my ears and a paintbrush in my hand- | am fine. The paint goes on and when I step back to check my work I am pleased. For the first time in my life, I feel creative. The colours flow into each other, the walls stand out and I am calmed. My mind, my heart are at peace.

I leave the house and I immediately feel a great weight settle onto me. My thoughts turn dark, tears are only a blink away. I can’t bear to see people. Some know whats happening and I feel on the defense. Imaginging the things they might be thinking, or the questions they might ask. Most don’t even know me, and I feel defensive with them too. My face is haggard, tired, red eyes, I am distracted and struggle to make simple decisions. “Do I want what?” “Cheese?” “um. um. um. yeah, sure, please. cheese.”

I feel stuck. Accountable to many, who all want different conflicting things. I want nothing more than to curl up in bed, music in my ears, thumb in my mouth and sleep and sleep and sleep.

But the children need me. So I paint. And that keeps me laughing and talking and functioning.


2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by Kerry on March 28, 2010 at 9:37 am

    This was very beautifully written! I can so relate to what you write here.

    Look at the positive in all of this. Your creativity is arising and you are being comforted by it, too!

    We are strong. Keep on. x


  2. Posted by E on March 28, 2010 at 5:02 pm

    Thank you, Kerry for your lovely comment.

    We are strong and we will get through to the other side as better women.

    Best of luck and lots of good vibes for your own journey.



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