The tooth fairy teaches children that they can sell body parts for money.

~David Richerby

When my kids were young(er) I really liked being the tooth fairy. I’d creep in post midnight, glitter jar in one hand and cold hard cash in the other. I’d crack the window, just a bit, just enough for a fairy to flit through. I’d sprinkle glitter on the window sill, along the floor, and throw a bit under the pillow, just for good measure.

Yeah- nice, right? I make reindeer food and sprinkle it on the lawn and fling it on the roof as well.

Lets fast forward oh, ten or so years. Surely, there is a statute of limitations on this? Because I’m starting to think that every time my 13 year old son loses a tooth and it takes me a month to remember to stick a pound coin under his pillow, he might possibly have a crisis of faith. He still believes a little sparkling fairy flits into his room in the middle of the night to take his teeth away. What? He does so! Honestly though, after this long, it’s a pain in the ass, right? How many more teeth can he possibly lose anyway? (one. the dentist told me. best not fuck it up then or run the risk he’ll be scarred for life by the apathetic tooth fairy who ignored his final tooth…)

My daughter loses a tooth and she’s ten, you know. She’s all about fairies and glitter and seriously? Come on, give a mom a break. Can’t she just bury it in the garden or offer it up to Allah? Take me out of it because I’m not made of money and the teeth- they just don’t appreciate that fact.

The baby is 4 (and a half!) Yeah, I still call him the baby. He’s not likely to ever shed that, poor kid. His teeth are the whitest, straightest, nicest damn things you’ve never seen. When they start to fall out, well, I’ll cry, but ALSO I’ll totally have to pay up for those babies. So, I’ve got something like 8 years of tooth fairy duty to go.

I think it’s a great natural birth control. Just tell kids that once they have a baby, they have to pay them for their used teeth. I think the idea has merit.

I know I’ve been a pretty bad tooth fairy lately and I feel guilty about it. I’ll put a fiver under the boys pillow when he loses the final one, and I’ll leave the tooth as a reward. I’ll break out the glitter for my daughters next 6 billion lost teeth. ( Side note- what do people do with these teeth,anyway? Is it creepy to admit that a little section of my jewellery box is full of small teeth? Is it OK to throw away my kids’ teeth?)

As far as Rafe goes, well I suppose I can’t just hijack another cultures tooth tradition, so we’ll stick with this one. But, seriously, if I have any more kids, their teeth get buried in the garden.

Them pearly whites be plaque free.


2 responses to this post.

  1. Posted by myheartresonateswithaglorioussound on September 30, 2010 at 2:09 pm

    Oh my word this is one of the funniest posts I’ve read….I think after reading this when my husband and I have kids we are not going to tell them about the tooth fairy

    maybe you should rent that movie “the tooth fairy” from redbox 🙂
    ha ha


  2. Posted by The General (aka: Mommy) on September 30, 2010 at 8:46 pm

    Thanks for your comment. Actually, I haven’t seen that film, it looks funny so I’ll have to look out for it!


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