Things I really should be doing.

In the weeks leading up to Christmas I just completely lost all my productivity mo-jo. Going to bed post midnight, getting the kids to school late, not bothering with even basic housework, not doing any real studying. It’s gotten better since Christmas, but I’m still not back up to full productivity. Most of it to due with some heavy personal issues that have been ongoing since Feb. 2010, they came to a head right before Christmas and the fall out from that is still ongoing.  Some days and even weeks I do great, and others, it all falls down completely.  But, getting there.

In the meantime- a list of things I should be doing every day, but  still not quite getting around to yet.

  • dishes. Nobody in this house likes washing dishes. So unless I really lay down the law and suffer the shitty attitudes and crappy washing job thats results from annoyed adolescents being forced to  do dishes, I just wait until I can’t stand it/there are no more clean dishes/the kitchen has become a health hazard and just wash the damn things myself.
  • going over my 4 year olds phonics lessons nightly. I had been great about this, unfortunately it is one of the things that has fallen to the wayside. When I did it with him this morning, I was afraid he would have fallen behind, but I was wrong. He has actually improved and can read actual words now. Yey for school. Of course, he’d probably be even better if I was doing the extra work with him, but whatever, my 4 year old can read, thats what I choose to focus on.
  • Listening to my big kids read aloud 15 minutes a day. Also something I had been very good at which fell by the wayside. They had been about halfway through The Secret Garden and Of Mice and Men when it did, however and those are both such great books, I really want to get them back into it. Especially my son who really can’t bear reading and in whom I’m strongarming trying to instill a love an appreciation for it.
  • tidying. I don’t understand why I’m so bad at it. I think I see it only as a huge job encompassing the whole house, and that scares me off to the point where I do nothing. I know it can be broken up into 15 minute chunks and a lot can be done in that time frame, but that just hasn’t really become my mindset yet, I guess. So, I continue to just *helplessly* watch the mess pile up around me.
  • coping with my emotions better. I’ve written recently about comfort eating and how badly it has affected me. I desperately need to get it under control but am really struggling. The last two weeks have been extremely stressful and very emotionally demanding. I went from doing wonderfully on my £30 a week grocery challenge to just obliterating it by buying trifles, fruit tarts, choux buns,cheesecakes,cookies,ice cream,etc. Not just one of each mind you. I think in the last two weeks I have bought 6 trifles. Yes, these have been shared with my family, but a. I normally wouldn’t have bought any at all, and b. I ate a fair amount of each one. I bought multiple fruit tarts, 2 in a pack, more than once I ate both at one sitting.   This is not normal, and when things are not so emotionally taxing I am fine and don’t feel the need to buy/eat  any of these things! But when things start to crack, I just feel so powerless and anxious, and thats when I start to comfort eat.  I bought a book months ago called “Life is Hard, Food is Easy” based on a recommendation from a friend. The book was on backorder for months and by the time I got it, things had improved, I was no longer comfort eating and…well.. I put it on the bookshelf and told myself I didn’t need it.  I guess I’ll be pulling it off the book shelf and reading it now. I suppose I really need to truly admit to myself that this is a problem, but that’s very hard. I’m at a point in my life where I feel like I need to be in control, and the prospect of admitting there is something going on that I can’t control scares the shit out of me. In fact it makes me want to go curl up on the couch with a bucket of strawberry trifle.

So there you have it, my list of shame. I’m trying to get back on board the productivity bandwagon, so hopefully I will have some good news to report, soon.

One response to this post.

  1. I don’t know you personally and won’t pretend that I do, but reading your post resonated with me. Being swept up in a series of major life changes at once, I have found myself turning food into an enemy. Only, it sure seems like the only thing that can help while I’m eating it. I always feel wretched afterward. In the face of that (along with dealing the all those major life changes I previously mentioned) a multitude of other things just get swept under the rug until, like you said, I wait until I just can’t stand it before I take care stuff. Emotional suffering is nothing to sneeze at. It really does affect your whole Self.

    As I said, I don’t know you personally and won’t pretend I do just because I’ve read a few blog posts. I’d like to say you’re not alone, though. And you’ll change it. It sounds like you already have before, you can do it again. It’s already in you. 🙂


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