I’ve mentioned here that my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer last summer.  She had surgery and the cancer was removed and she’s now healthy and happy. Mostly recovered and back to work.

Finances prevented me from going home to be with her during all that, as much as I wanted to. It tore me up, not being able to be there. As much as my sister and I would prefer to just forget each other exists, I have to acknowledge her role in moms recovery. She gave up time off work, missed classes, and was just there for mom, every step of the way. I am very grateful for that.

My mom and I have talked about having video chats before but never really went further then that. Finally we decided to do it, and we set up skype and  I got to see my mom. For the first time in over a year.  It was good to see her looking healthy. But it really brought it home to me, again, what she had been through. How strong she had been.  It is the hardest part of living in another country. I have never been back to visit, it is far to expensive, and far from being preserved in a time capsule, my family is carrying on with their lives without me.  My mom has been diagnosed with and survived cancer. My nieces are not little girls anymore. My sister has lost a lot of weight, is doing great at her job, studying for a career in forensics, and jets off to see her boyfriend in Florida whenever she can. My big brother is knocking on the door of 40.

I think I have finally accepted that this is where I live now, this is my life. That isn’t going to change. But part of me is afraid, I will never see them again, never see my hometown again, part of me is afraid I will never be able to go back and fix things.  Getting on a plane is easy. Realizing that everything you leave behind on the ground doesn’t just stop because you are gone, that’s hard.

We are planning on moving down under as part of our ten year plan. I am excited about that possibility, but also, worried. I don’t think I’ll be able to do that without going home first. Without accepting that my life didn’t stop when I got on that plane either, that I have to grow and move on as well.


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