Supermarket Fury

Going to the supermarket. Christ, is there anything worse? They just get bigger and bigger and when I finally leave I’ve lost 3 hours and wonder if I’ve been abducted by aliens. I know, I know. I’m lucky to have a supermarket to go to. Nonetheless. I feel like I am there every single day of my godless life. And you can’t just go in and buy the one thing you actually need, or at least I can’t, there are always half a dozen other things. Ooh, that’s on sale! Ooh, that’ll be good for dinner! Ooh, my favorite piece of junk food that is not at all good for me but I like to eat anyway! So, even though all I freaking needed was a loaf of bread that I can buy for 40 pence- I end up leaving with £35 worth of groceries. Granted, I buy a lot of reduced stuff that can be frozen and used for future meals, so I save money in the long run. I’m trying to bring my family round to trying the paleo diet, which I gather is just meat and veg and the money I’d save by shopping at the green grocer and the butcher and never setting foot in a supermarket makes me giddy with possibilities, I might finally be able to fix my sons bike! Lo and behold my family likes their carbs, thank you very much, so I may have to employ the use of stealth when making the switch. Though there is always the possibility of the old “I’m paying for the groceries, if you don’t like what I’m buying, get a job and buy your own.” That tends to stop the whining in it’s tracks…

What annoyed me recently (well, ok, a month ago) at the supermarket was the cashier. Usually they just ring the stuff up and make small talk (occasionally with me, usually with a colleague or the customer in front who won’t pick up their damn bags and GO already) but this one decided she needed to comment about what we were buying. Grrr. We’d gone in for only a few items but I’d come across quite a few sale items, of course. So we had three boxes of ice cream bars at 50 pence each for the kids, an apple tart that I thought would be a nice dessert one night for £1. Two boxes of my favorite cornettos, 2 for £2. And some other bits and bobs. Yes, there was a bit of junk. I joked about it to my husband. Yet this cashier decided she need to tell me all about weight watchers. And how half her grocery shopping is always vegetables. I tried to keep things light, and said something about how it’ll be nice when the kids go back to school and arent clamoring for ice cream all the time. To which she replied “Well that’s when you tell them they can have a piece of fruit!”

Sorry, guys. Kids with fat mommies aren't allowed ice cream!

This annoyed me. I didn’t say anything to her, other than just a “Oh, I do!” but the sheer audacity pissed me off. Why pass judgement on my purchases? I have three slim, healthy, active children. One of which prefers to snack on carrots more than anything else, and two who love salad and always have seconds. They arent allowed to drink soda, fast food is a rare treat and all their regular meals are homemade. They get told “If you’re that hungry, have a carrot or a piece of fruit” six times a day. The only one who eats to much junk in my household is me. And clearly I am an adult and perfectly capable of deciding for myself what and how much I eat. I have one child who hates fruit and veg and would prefer to eat junk all day. I don’t allow this. His favorite breakfast item is cereal, which I rarely buy. He has to eat more healthy food. If he doesnt eat his carrots at dinner, he gets no dessert, etc.

I suppose people just like to feel superior and I shouldn’t be offended, but it seems to illustrate once again that fat people are fair game for ridicule. I know I’m fat, I promise I’m not stupid and I really don’t need a lecture from the cashier on the value of eating vegetables. Neither do I need random people assuming that since I am fat, I am a simpleton incapable of appropriate parenting, especially as how the 6 year old next door is never without a can of coke and a packet of sweets, though his mom is thin as a rail. Shockingly enough, I don’t sit around eating junk and watching daytime telly all day, either.

So what I’d like to say to that cashier is this: “Look bitch, it’s the middle of August, the kids are off school and if I want to give them some damn ice cream, I will. And, by virtue of not being stupid, I know exactly how to lose weight when and if I choose to, so I really don’t need you to lecture me about weight watchers and fucking vegetables.”

just..one..more…step.

Have taken up jogging with my friend R. Tonight was my third night out. Between the first and 2nd times, I had a 2 day rest. But, I was just out last night so tonight was difficult. It was like being on the treadmill, sweating, my legs screaming, tears threatening and knowing I couldn’t stop, must not stop, have to keep going, only 10 more minutes. And knowing that ten minutes might as well be a lifetime.

I tripped and fell 5 minutes into the jog, arrived home and it felt like a furnace walking though the door, within ten minutes I was shivering uncontrollably and feeling sick. My legs felt like lead and I must’ve cut one of my toenails badly, because I occasionally felt it jabbing the toe next to it while I was out, and when I took off my shoes I discovered the sock was bloody.

I have promised my friend I will run with her in the Race for Life in July. I am not sure four months is enough time, really. She forgets I am fat, and have a lot of weight to lose before there can be any running of marathons. But, we shall see. I find it amusing, she weighs only slightly less than I do, but being a foot taller than me, she is simply curvy, while I am fat. Life just aint fair is it?

I have a feeling the next 4 months are going to be difficult… Heres hoping I at least lose all this weight.

may I tell you a secret?

Day 30

Thanks.

This. This was supposed to be easy. Oh, sure- I was going to be hungry. I was going to be jealous of the people eating cakes in the staff room, my family having lovely meals for dinner.  But that was ok! I was going to be losing weight! Five pounds a week! And that would make it ok. That would make up for it.

Heres the secret: I fell (jumped? leaped? flung myself ?) off the wagon over the weekend. Ate like normal. I didn’t binge, I just didn’t eat like I was on a restrictive bloody diet. I got back on the wagon yesterday, more or less. But I ate more than 500 calories, and then because I was in a rotten mood, I made brownies, and ate some.  So, more than 500, less than 1200 I’d say but who knows. I know- brilliant, right?

Why did I fall off the wagon? Because I’m not losing weight. I’ve lost those twelve pounds and that’s it. The scale won’t budge. I’m exercising 5 days a week (30 minutes on the treadmill + my normal walking and arm exercises with weights) plus I’m eating very little. (or was) I should be losing weight. I’m frustrated to the point of tears and tantrums. Why can’t anything just be easy and work the way I want it to?

I’m sure there are lot’s of people who will say “your body has gone into starvation mode! You’ll never lose weight! You’ll drop dead of a heart attack!”. But that’s not true, so don’t even start. When I confided to a work mate who has also done the 500 cal diet and lost alot of weight on it that I had stopped losing, she said that when she had done it, she knew a few women who were also doing it who had stopped losing for a while, but then suddenly lost a ton all at once. Which gave me some hope.

But not a lot. So, I’m in a funny place. And I see my choices as

A. get back into it and be very strict about it.

B. Ditch the 500 cal thing and just stick with the vigoruous exercise

C. Increase my calories to 8-1200 and continue with the exercise.

On top of all this, I’m trying to get through my difficult course work (only difficult because it is so new to me) and get started on my first assessment. Maintaining the house, children, bills and meals, plus working my FT job, and I’m not feeling very well. (winter cold, caught from the horde)

I know it may have been naieve to think it would be easy, and perhaps I was expecting to much to quickly. After all, it took ten years to gain all this weight, did I really think I would be able to shed it in 3 months?

Well, yes- I did. I expected to lose the majority of the weight in three months, and develop an ongoing exercise regime during the three months that would keep me fit and lean afterwards. Now that that doesn’t seem to have worked, I’m stuck. Maybe I’ve just not given it enough time.

So, I’m not sure what I’m going to do.  I’ll keep you posted. Thanks for listening and hey, keep this between us ok? I wouldn’t want the whole world to know I’d screwed up my own grand master plan. (Not that it’s the first time!)

Day 18

After initially losing 10 pounds in the first week and a half of the diet I didn’t lose anymore weight.  I was walking and working my arms and my legs and sticking to my diet. There have been days which I’ve gone over 500 calories, so I accept my body has probably not properly been into ketosis for very long, but I’ve accepted that. Nonetheless,  I should have been losing weight.

I decided a few days ago that I was not exercising enough. (It was either that or I was having cheeseburgers for lunch behind my back)  Or, I was exercising but it would be considered “light” exercise.  I needed to do more to really get my body to start using up those fat stores. So, I started using the treadmill.  I spend between 20-30 minutes a day on it and walk at an avg. speed of 5.5 Kph, with an elevation of 3.5%.  This really gets my heart rate up and burns calories.  I hope to increase the pace over time.

This seems to have been the right thing to do as I have lost another 2 pounds over the few days since Monday. This has given me that boost I needed to keep on going. I hadn’t yet considered giving up, but it had occured to me that I just wasn’t going to lose anymore weight, I was destined to be fat, etc.

I’ve had some very nice comments about how much weight I’ve lost, but I have trouble accepting compliments and I just think “It’s only ten pounds, I wish they wouldn’t lavish me with praise, I’m not a child, and I’m still fat, so why the fuss, do they really mean it or are they just mocking me?” I know they’re just being nice, and maybe trying to encourage me- but I still have to force myself to smile and say thank you.

Had a really rough day yesterday, which culminated  with me in Asda, buying a candy bar. Which I ate.  But I burned about 400 calories yesterday, and ate less than 500, so I think I can live with it.

Day 5

I’ve lost five pounds in my first week. I’m very pleased.

Between breakfast and lunch today I had less than 300 calories, and through exercise I burned over 300 calories today. So, I decided that meant I could have a normal dinner with the family. Which means no counting, no weighing, but only one serving and small portions.

Feel very confident about sticking with it for at least another week.

what? you are joking. right?

“Well, if you’re fat- it’s simply a case of putting to many calories in one end and not doing enough work to burn them off!”

“So, you’re saying that fat people are fat because they’re lazy sods who sit around eating all day?”

“Well…. need I say anything?”

She’s referring to me, apparently since I am overweight I qualify, despite the fact there isn’t a speck of food on my desk and my last meal was lunch three hours ago.  I choose to ignore the personal dig, I’m overweight because I’ve had three kids in ten years and have never made a concentrated effort to lose the baby weight, not because I sit around eating all day. (well, not every day.)

“So,” I say, “What about all the skinny people who sit around eating crap all day…?”

“Well, that just proves it!” she says

“Well it proves that there are lots of skinny people who eat crap and don’t exercise!”

“Well…..oh…”

the conversation ends.

 

I was blown away, first by the sheer ignorance and this attitude of “fat people are fat because they are lazy and eat to much!” and then further by my discovery of this company, which apparently teaches people that they are fat because they can’t control themselves, and use eating as a coping mechanism.

There are many reasons for people being fat or skinny, and it amazes me that there is such a hurtful, ignorant attitude prevalent amongst “skinny” people.  We can all agree that being overweight is not a healthy thing. But to have such a venomous and condescending attitude towards overweight people is really sad.  I am the only overweight person in my office and I am constantly shocked at the way my skinny colleagues talk about “fat” people. It’s just so cringeworthy, incredibly insulting, patronizing and condescending.

I’m not saying we should encourage people to be overweight, but we certainly shouldn’t be bullying those who are overweight or making them feel like they are just really stupid, lazy people.

everything but.

Keeping positive.

• it’s a beautiful day. Sunny, warm,breezy.
• I’ve lost over 10 lbs.
• We’ve still got a roof over our heads, and money coming in.

I’m trying to keep the other things at bay. £700 water bill, £170 court fine, £500 back council tax, £1300 house deposit, packing, arguing with David, Devon’s ever present attitude, and then the “how did this happen?” A few months ago things were ok. David made a small bundle selling a picture to the nationals, we started the debt management plan and felt positive about it, I felt like were starting to move forward again.

So, I try not to think about it, any of it, unless I have to.  I make phone calls, and set up payment arrangements and ask questions and then I leave it. I move on. I think I am in a place I have never been in all my life.  I can’t really describe it. I just feel that one more tear, one more angry word, one more blow will just tear me apart.

I’ve been sad before, I’ve struggled with depression most of my life, but this…this is so dark. This is so oppressive. I know I can’t crawl into bed and hide from it, but it’s what I want to- desperatley. 

So, I try and not think about it. I think about the party the kids will have in September, once we’ve moved into the new house, and school has started.  I think about starting school in October, and how excited I am. (But not about how we are going to pay for it. Definetly not.) I think about packing. Not what it means, not all that goes with it, just putting things in boxes, arranging them, labelling them, updating the spreadsheet.

I want to wake up one morning, and things will be better. I just need to get there. I have to get there. It’s not an option not to get there. So, we will. We will. We will get there.

I’ve been saying that for a long time, it seems.