Supermarket Fury

Going to the supermarket. Christ, is there anything worse? They just get bigger and bigger and when I finally leave I’ve lost 3 hours and wonder if I’ve been abducted by aliens. I know, I know. I’m lucky to have a supermarket to go to. Nonetheless. I feel like I am there every single day of my godless life. And you can’t just go in and buy the one thing you actually need, or at least I can’t, there are always half a dozen other things. Ooh, that’s on sale! Ooh, that’ll be good for dinner! Ooh, my favorite piece of junk food that is not at all good for me but I like to eat anyway! So, even though all I freaking needed was a loaf of bread that I can buy for 40 pence- I end up leaving with £35 worth of groceries. Granted, I buy a lot of reduced stuff that can be frozen and used for future meals, so I save money in the long run. I’m trying to bring my family round to trying the paleo diet, which I gather is just meat and veg and the money I’d save by shopping at the green grocer and the butcher and never setting foot in a supermarket makes me giddy with possibilities, I might finally be able to fix my sons bike! Lo and behold my family likes their carbs, thank you very much, so I may have to employ the use of stealth when making the switch. Though there is always the possibility of the old “I’m paying for the groceries, if you don’t like what I’m buying, get a job and buy your own.” That tends to stop the whining in it’s tracks…

What annoyed me recently (well, ok, a month ago) at the supermarket was the cashier. Usually they just ring the stuff up and make small talk (occasionally with me, usually with a colleague or the customer in front who won’t pick up their damn bags and GO already) but this one decided she needed to comment about what we were buying. Grrr. We’d gone in for only a few items but I’d come across quite a few sale items, of course. So we had three boxes of ice cream bars at 50 pence each for the kids, an apple tart that I thought would be a nice dessert one night for £1. Two boxes of my favorite cornettos, 2 for £2. And some other bits and bobs. Yes, there was a bit of junk. I joked about it to my husband. Yet this cashier decided she need to tell me all about weight watchers. And how half her grocery shopping is always vegetables. I tried to keep things light, and said something about how it’ll be nice when the kids go back to school and arent clamoring for ice cream all the time. To which she replied “Well that’s when you tell them they can have a piece of fruit!”

Sorry, guys. Kids with fat mommies aren't allowed ice cream!

This annoyed me. I didn’t say anything to her, other than just a “Oh, I do!” but the sheer audacity pissed me off. Why pass judgement on my purchases? I have three slim, healthy, active children. One of which prefers to snack on carrots more than anything else, and two who love salad and always have seconds. They arent allowed to drink soda, fast food is a rare treat and all their regular meals are homemade. They get told “If you’re that hungry, have a carrot or a piece of fruit” six times a day. The only one who eats to much junk in my household is me. And clearly I am an adult and perfectly capable of deciding for myself what and how much I eat. I have one child who hates fruit and veg and would prefer to eat junk all day. I don’t allow this. His favorite breakfast item is cereal, which I rarely buy. He has to eat more healthy food. If he doesnt eat his carrots at dinner, he gets no dessert, etc.

I suppose people just like to feel superior and I shouldn’t be offended, but it seems to illustrate once again that fat people are fair game for ridicule. I know I’m fat, I promise I’m not stupid and I really don’t need a lecture from the cashier on the value of eating vegetables. Neither do I need random people assuming that since I am fat, I am a simpleton incapable of appropriate parenting, especially as how the 6 year old next door is never without a can of coke and a packet of sweets, though his mom is thin as a rail. Shockingly enough, I don’t sit around eating junk and watching daytime telly all day, either.

So what I’d like to say to that cashier is this: “Look bitch, it’s the middle of August, the kids are off school and if I want to give them some damn ice cream, I will. And, by virtue of not being stupid, I know exactly how to lose weight when and if I choose to, so I really don’t need you to lecture me about weight watchers and fucking vegetables.”

uh. hey there!

So, in February I separated from my husband, left my job and became swallowed up by a black hole of depression. I began painting my house to keep me out of my warm, comfy, tear soaked bed, I fell behind in my studies and barely managed to complete one course, while coming perilously close to dropping a second. I comfort ate my way through my course work and my days in general, and gained 20 pounds. Wow. That twenty pounds actually feels like 50, it’s on my ass and in my gut and it’s not pretty.

Just when I was feeling like I was gaining some control and seeing some light at the end of that there tunnel, I got the results back from the exam for the course I only completed by sheer determination, well that and excessive consumption of cherry jaffa cakes, a heartbreaking result- FAIL. A week later, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer.

While my life isn’t really doing any better, I am feeling better emotionally. I am still having bad days, but they have specific triggers and I can plan for them (helpful!). I am getting the itch to begin blogging again, having stopped when I felt I was just to full of sadness and negativity and it was going to spill out all over my posts.

Having felt I had lost focus and was floundering in the dark I approached my friend Karen and asked if she could do a tarot card reading for me. I’m familiar with tarot and new age beliefs, but it’s definitely not something I spend any time or effort devoting myself to. I really just wanted an outline, or some sort of guidance on where I was headed. The reading was very indepth and her interpretations were very helpful- I feel like I have that outline now, something to look back on when I’m feeling confused and need to get my head straight. So, with that in mind I’ve decided to pick up my virtual pen and come back to my special little site and get back to posting about my life.

Thanks for stopping by, and if you’ve been here before- thanks for sticking with me!

just..one..more…step.

Have taken up jogging with my friend R. Tonight was my third night out. Between the first and 2nd times, I had a 2 day rest. But, I was just out last night so tonight was difficult. It was like being on the treadmill, sweating, my legs screaming, tears threatening and knowing I couldn’t stop, must not stop, have to keep going, only 10 more minutes. And knowing that ten minutes might as well be a lifetime.

I tripped and fell 5 minutes into the jog, arrived home and it felt like a furnace walking though the door, within ten minutes I was shivering uncontrollably and feeling sick. My legs felt like lead and I must’ve cut one of my toenails badly, because I occasionally felt it jabbing the toe next to it while I was out, and when I took off my shoes I discovered the sock was bloody.

I have promised my friend I will run with her in the Race for Life in July. I am not sure four months is enough time, really. She forgets I am fat, and have a lot of weight to lose before there can be any running of marathons. But, we shall see. I find it amusing, she weighs only slightly less than I do, but being a foot taller than me, she is simply curvy, while I am fat. Life just aint fair is it?

I have a feeling the next 4 months are going to be difficult… Heres hoping I at least lose all this weight.

Times up!

Three months ago I set out to lose about 80 pounds through exercise and a very low calorie diet, by December 1st.

How did I do?

I lost ten pounds in the first month and have kept that off. I don’t look much different, or even feel much different. But it is nice that jeans that used to be too tight fit much better, and things that were already a bit loose are very very loose.

I did away with the very low calorie diet within the first month, once I had begun going to the gym 4-5 days a week, for 30 minutes a day. Unfortunately, despite being very good about going to the gym, I have not lost any additional weight.

Why is this?

I imagine it’s because I’m not dieting- I eat good food, but I eat bad food too. Also, I started going to the gym as someone with no gym experience. I had no idea what I was doing. After three months I am familiar with the equipment and have more of an idea of what I should be doing. And I have realized I do not push myself nearly as hard as I should be and I’m not focused. I do a bit of this and a bit of that.

So, what’s the plan?

Well, people keep telling me I should join weight watchers, etc. I’m not ready for that. It requires an investment of time and money that I just am not prepared to give. Not because I don’t want too. But, because I have a lot going on already. I am worried about my university coursework that I don’t spend nearly enough time on, my jobs is very stressful, and of course there is my house and my kids. Investing in something like WW and failing, will be very big blow. I told myself in the beginning this might not work, it might take time, I might have to try lots of different things before I found what would ultimately work. I gave myself pardon.

I have decided to try something slightly different. I’m going to go to the gym with focus. My daughter is a runner, so I’ve decided to go in that direction so I can help her, train with her, and identify with what she’s doing. I will hit the treadmill 4-5 days a week and do incremental training until I can run for 20 minutes. Then I will increase that time by one minute a week, as long as I’m up to it, until I have found a comfortable rhythm. I will supplement this with a 2 week very low calorie diet every 6 weeks (or so). (Which I’ve put in my diary!) Once I’m confident in my running ability I’d like to start running with my daughter early in the morning, before work, as well.

I’m not going to give up, this is so important to me. But I’m not going to beat myself up over not meeting my goal right away. I’m really pleased that I’ve lost ten pounds.

Little things have always made me happy.

may I tell you a secret?

Day 30

Thanks.

This. This was supposed to be easy. Oh, sure- I was going to be hungry. I was going to be jealous of the people eating cakes in the staff room, my family having lovely meals for dinner.  But that was ok! I was going to be losing weight! Five pounds a week! And that would make it ok. That would make up for it.

Heres the secret: I fell (jumped? leaped? flung myself ?) off the wagon over the weekend. Ate like normal. I didn’t binge, I just didn’t eat like I was on a restrictive bloody diet. I got back on the wagon yesterday, more or less. But I ate more than 500 calories, and then because I was in a rotten mood, I made brownies, and ate some.  So, more than 500, less than 1200 I’d say but who knows. I know- brilliant, right?

Why did I fall off the wagon? Because I’m not losing weight. I’ve lost those twelve pounds and that’s it. The scale won’t budge. I’m exercising 5 days a week (30 minutes on the treadmill + my normal walking and arm exercises with weights) plus I’m eating very little. (or was) I should be losing weight. I’m frustrated to the point of tears and tantrums. Why can’t anything just be easy and work the way I want it to?

I’m sure there are lot’s of people who will say “your body has gone into starvation mode! You’ll never lose weight! You’ll drop dead of a heart attack!”. But that’s not true, so don’t even start. When I confided to a work mate who has also done the 500 cal diet and lost alot of weight on it that I had stopped losing, she said that when she had done it, she knew a few women who were also doing it who had stopped losing for a while, but then suddenly lost a ton all at once. Which gave me some hope.

But not a lot. So, I’m in a funny place. And I see my choices as

A. get back into it and be very strict about it.

B. Ditch the 500 cal thing and just stick with the vigoruous exercise

C. Increase my calories to 8-1200 and continue with the exercise.

On top of all this, I’m trying to get through my difficult course work (only difficult because it is so new to me) and get started on my first assessment. Maintaining the house, children, bills and meals, plus working my FT job, and I’m not feeling very well. (winter cold, caught from the horde)

I know it may have been naieve to think it would be easy, and perhaps I was expecting to much to quickly. After all, it took ten years to gain all this weight, did I really think I would be able to shed it in 3 months?

Well, yes- I did. I expected to lose the majority of the weight in three months, and develop an ongoing exercise regime during the three months that would keep me fit and lean afterwards. Now that that doesn’t seem to have worked, I’m stuck. Maybe I’ve just not given it enough time.

So, I’m not sure what I’m going to do.  I’ll keep you posted. Thanks for listening and hey, keep this between us ok? I wouldn’t want the whole world to know I’d screwed up my own grand master plan. (Not that it’s the first time!)

Day 18

After initially losing 10 pounds in the first week and a half of the diet I didn’t lose anymore weight.  I was walking and working my arms and my legs and sticking to my diet. There have been days which I’ve gone over 500 calories, so I accept my body has probably not properly been into ketosis for very long, but I’ve accepted that. Nonetheless,  I should have been losing weight.

I decided a few days ago that I was not exercising enough. (It was either that or I was having cheeseburgers for lunch behind my back)  Or, I was exercising but it would be considered “light” exercise.  I needed to do more to really get my body to start using up those fat stores. So, I started using the treadmill.  I spend between 20-30 minutes a day on it and walk at an avg. speed of 5.5 Kph, with an elevation of 3.5%.  This really gets my heart rate up and burns calories.  I hope to increase the pace over time.

This seems to have been the right thing to do as I have lost another 2 pounds over the few days since Monday. This has given me that boost I needed to keep on going. I hadn’t yet considered giving up, but it had occured to me that I just wasn’t going to lose anymore weight, I was destined to be fat, etc.

I’ve had some very nice comments about how much weight I’ve lost, but I have trouble accepting compliments and I just think “It’s only ten pounds, I wish they wouldn’t lavish me with praise, I’m not a child, and I’m still fat, so why the fuss, do they really mean it or are they just mocking me?” I know they’re just being nice, and maybe trying to encourage me- but I still have to force myself to smile and say thank you.

Had a really rough day yesterday, which culminated  with me in Asda, buying a candy bar. Which I ate.  But I burned about 400 calories yesterday, and ate less than 500, so I think I can live with it.

Day 5

I’ve lost five pounds in my first week. I’m very pleased.

Between breakfast and lunch today I had less than 300 calories, and through exercise I burned over 300 calories today. So, I decided that meant I could have a normal dinner with the family. Which means no counting, no weighing, but only one serving and small portions.

Feel very confident about sticking with it for at least another week.

D-Day

(Diet-Day)

Today is the first day of a twelve week long 500 calorie a day diet. I am hoping I will make it through the first week, at least- but after a long day on my feet yesterday, I woke up starving today and don’t have much faith in my ability to fill up on an orange and one serving of a strawberry banana smoothie for breakfast. Or maybe I’ll surprise myself.

My menu for the next three months should consist of

Breakfast

250ml. smoothie- 106 calories

one piece of fruit-50 calories

Lunch

125g. organic yogurt – 150calories

glass of water

Dinner

257g. Soup-147calories

one piece of fruit- 50 calories

glass of water

Total- 503 calories

My ultimate goal is to lose 80 pounds over the course of the three month period. But every ten pounds I lose will be worthy of celebration. During the diet I will continue to exercise 30 minutes a day (consisting of walking to and from work from the train station, a moderate uphill walk, with 1 pound weights on my wrists) as well as taking advantage of the office gym, if time and energy levels allow. I anticipate being very energy sapped to begin with, but am hoping ketosis will kick in within a few days and give me more energy.

I will be taking a daily multi-vitamin to ensure I am still getting all my necessary vitamins.

I have chosen this route as my excess weight is due to carrying three children over the course of nine years. I have gained very little weight between the various pregnancies. It is my impression that getting the weight off is the first step, and then getting back up to a normal healthy diet to keep the weight off. I have never dieted before, and my weight has stayed about the same since the birth of my youngest son 2 1/2 years ago. I am a very healthy, young female and anticipate no health problems associated with the diet.

Should I experience any significant health issues I will see my doctor and if necessary discontinue. My health is more important than continuing a drastic diet to lose weight.

The various bits I’ve read on the internet about such a drastic diet are varied. Some say it’s incredibly dangerous and stupid, some say it’s a great way to lose a lot of weight. At this point, I don’t think either argument is exactly right. I suppose it has the potential to be very dangerous but I think as a one time solution to losing a large amount of weight it could be very good, given that it is done in a healthy way.

I hope that if I succeed and lose all 80 pounds that I won’t ever gain the weight back, but if I did then I would have to take a very serious look at my eating habits and make those changes. I don’t intend to ever embark on this sort of diet again.

So, please stay tuned for daily updates on how the diet is going. And here’s hoping that come December 1st, I will be 80 pounds lighter.

stupid broken scale.

I step off the scale, and then back on. Depressingly, the numbers don’t change. How can I gain two pounds from one day to the other? Especially when I’m walking up that flaming great hill every morning? Dejected, I gather up my things and continue to my office.

I know better than to expect immediate results, but part of me had hoped that I would start shedding weight, at least a pound or two, relatively quickly. Walking up the hill every morning from the train station is not exactly grueling, but it does give my breathing an extra puffiness, it makes my muscles from ankle to thigh burn, it turns my legs into lead weights from the shins down, it makes me want to sit down, to lay in the cool wet grass of that field just to my left and just…rest. It makes my leg come perilously close to locking up, dropping me to the ground where I will writhe and cry and eventually phone my husband to come and get me please, my leg has stopped working. Surely I don’t deserve to actually gain weight.

People- do not have children. They only make you fat.

In other news- the BNP have failed to win any seats in yesterdays elections! That is GREAT news. What’s not great is that they have gotten enough votes to keep on trying. This party is bad for Britain. It’s so plainly obvious. Hopefully the voters will continue to keep them out of Parliament.

well. gee. thanks for your thoughts!

Monday and Tuesday: Positive and uplifitng? I think not….

 

 “the system is crap” (translation: “your system is crap”) (Thanks, I know!)

“it’s called sharing,Erin- something you obviously know nothing about” (How about not being a bitch? Know anything about that?) (and by the way- that comment was totally uncalled for. I know how to share, I just expect something in return, like chocolate or “thank you.”)

 

“nobody likes the way you’re throwing your weight around” (I wasn’t aware I had any weight to throw around but I’ll keep that in mind, thanks!)

 

“I understand you like to tie up loose ends but sometimes rushing into things is counter productive.” (Well, I thought it was called being on the ball, so sorry. Maybe if other people had taken their thumbs out of their asses, then that loose end wouldn’t have been quite so loose and my doing MY bit before going on holiday would have been seen for what it was- being on top of things. But, hey! that’s just me.)

“I’m glad you’re back, I missed you.” (Now, that seriously worries me.)